Sunday, June 26, 2005
I am 29 now.
What would happen if i just gave it all up?
I have two instinctive reactions to this question.
Number 1. I would wind down into a death like state of total misery and dispair. I would become numb just to get through it and live as if I was in preparation for death. I would move back to Moose Jaw where I could exist inexpensively and I would finally just study whatever it was that was easiest and guaranteed me a job regardless of "my heart's true passion". I would leave Jordan and his high ideals and focused passions and successful life and I would spend my nights in local MJ bars waiting until I met a man that was remotely acceptable and wanted to marry me. That done, I would get pregnant, he would fix cars and I would start a family. I wouldn't leave Moose Jaw much, I wouldn't dream of anything bigger, I would just go about my days, get old, die.
Number 2. I would feel more free than I ever have in my entire life. Suddenly, in my underachieving, I wouldn't have to stress myself out constantly trying to find "my heart's true passion" or run around like a crazy woman wondering how i can change, serve, make a difference in this world. I could stop living in big, expensive cities and surrounding myself by people that are constantly pushing themselves and their careers to new heights. I could just be. I could just stop having to try so hard and not have to face my constant failure and confusion day after day after day after day.
I'm sorry i haven't blogged in forever. I just don't feel like i have anything new to say. I am stuck and I am tired of being stuck. I don't know how to get myself out of it. And how many days in a row can a girl blog about that?
One of my birthday presents is supposedly a new website built by me and my boyfriend. I keep telling myself i will blog again consistently when the website is up and running. At the rate we are going it will be done in about 2011. But perhaps giving up also might look like a break from living out loud. So, if you don't see me around....well...you'll know where i am at....
I was answering questions in a journalling book yesterday and finishing the requested sentences. It was to promote self-appreciation. There i was filling in the blanks with ease - these kinds of excersises come easy to me- "I am a good friend when i...." and "I did a good job when I.....". The last sentence was " I should win an Oscar for..." and thr swift and uncensored answer that came out of my pen was "...my life." It stopped me in my tracks. It is true. I realize that no one these days knows me. They know whatever role or mask i feel expected to wear. I am acting my way through my life.
And i thought i had left theatre.
I have two instinctive reactions to this question.
Number 1. I would wind down into a death like state of total misery and dispair. I would become numb just to get through it and live as if I was in preparation for death. I would move back to Moose Jaw where I could exist inexpensively and I would finally just study whatever it was that was easiest and guaranteed me a job regardless of "my heart's true passion". I would leave Jordan and his high ideals and focused passions and successful life and I would spend my nights in local MJ bars waiting until I met a man that was remotely acceptable and wanted to marry me. That done, I would get pregnant, he would fix cars and I would start a family. I wouldn't leave Moose Jaw much, I wouldn't dream of anything bigger, I would just go about my days, get old, die.
Number 2. I would feel more free than I ever have in my entire life. Suddenly, in my underachieving, I wouldn't have to stress myself out constantly trying to find "my heart's true passion" or run around like a crazy woman wondering how i can change, serve, make a difference in this world. I could stop living in big, expensive cities and surrounding myself by people that are constantly pushing themselves and their careers to new heights. I could just be. I could just stop having to try so hard and not have to face my constant failure and confusion day after day after day after day.
I'm sorry i haven't blogged in forever. I just don't feel like i have anything new to say. I am stuck and I am tired of being stuck. I don't know how to get myself out of it. And how many days in a row can a girl blog about that?
One of my birthday presents is supposedly a new website built by me and my boyfriend. I keep telling myself i will blog again consistently when the website is up and running. At the rate we are going it will be done in about 2011. But perhaps giving up also might look like a break from living out loud. So, if you don't see me around....well...you'll know where i am at....
I was answering questions in a journalling book yesterday and finishing the requested sentences. It was to promote self-appreciation. There i was filling in the blanks with ease - these kinds of excersises come easy to me- "I am a good friend when i...." and "I did a good job when I.....". The last sentence was " I should win an Oscar for..." and thr swift and uncensored answer that came out of my pen was "...my life." It stopped me in my tracks. It is true. I realize that no one these days knows me. They know whatever role or mask i feel expected to wear. I am acting my way through my life.
And i thought i had left theatre.
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