Vicarious Graduation

I have been thinking about it, and it seems like i have vicariously graduated with several degrees and have studied all sorts of subjects. Being an intelligent gal and an overly opinionated one, I have helped, coaxed, supported the men in my life through their degrees and downright written, made and created huge aspects of my signifigant other's university portfolios.

Through the men in my life i have become a very well versed person who has nothing on her resume to show for it.

I convinced Patrick that he could, in fact, write poetry as he stuggled with his English Lit classes on his way to getting a Science degree and, utimately, becoming a chiropractor.

Kirklind and i studied so much for one of his biology exams that i actually snuck into the exam room, wrote a fake student number down on the answer sheet and wrote the damned test. I just wanted to see what vicarious education can do. I scored a 64% while Kirk - the true student - eeked out a low 70%. No shame to him. He is now studying for his doctorate in Neuropharmicology at the University of Toronto.

History bores me to death. But my last relationship found me reading, editing and nodding off during long Aidan-narratives about the history of the Carribean or what MacKenzie King's choices ultimately meant for the outcome of Canadian politics. I was absolutely giddy when he finally finished his BFA.

Now, this weekend, i will watch Jordan graduate with his Communications Design degree from Emily Carr. I will watch him present a grad project that has not only stolen countless hours from our relationship, but is now closely tied to my own heart as i have poured ideas, opinions and observance into FlockOn!

To see Jo's portfolio please visit www.jordanlewin.com. It is really good. He is really good.

But the question still stands...where has this gotten me? It confirms that i have been, all my life, a life coach. This confirmed, i am still a lost soul, searching for my place. I enabled boyfriend after boyfriend ---- helped them believe in themselves, carried them through the rough patches, told them they could do anything --- and then watched them marry somebody else.

I know, i know, i could have married them. It has always been my choice to leave. BUT...

Back onto the topic at hand. As far as my resume is concerned, i am undereducated and overqualified. The boyfriends are all successful now and on track and i am blogging. I am totally fucking confused. So do i regret helping them? Of course not. Like i said, i coach, it is what i do. Too bad i couldn't back charge them.

Another graduation has me wondering if i am any farther along than i was last summer or the year before or or or or .......

If one day a boyfriend of mine will be established and know himself and be the confidant one and coach ME.

Or maybe i will just have to coach myself. Maybe that is the lesson that i am resisting.

Maybe that is why i feel so lonely.