Thursday, May 05, 2005
Up and Down and Up and Down
I wish so much i could blame my mood swings on my hormones.
I started using the newest form of birth control 2 days ago. It is called the Nuvoring. It uses alot less systematic drugs to do essentially what the pill does. It is easy to put in and easy to take out (i hope, gulp) and i only have to worry about it once a month as it stays inserted for the 3 weeks in between periods.
Secretly i was hoping it would be the secret switch to this saddness that i feel so often these days.
Putting on a brave face, i help and support and persue and accomplish. Then, i become exhausted and stop. When i stop long enough, i find myself staring at walls and bursting into tears. Except it isn't exactly bursting. It is sort of melting into tears. Bursting would be too much effort.
I read Darryl's blog about feeling depressed, about not wanting to get out of bed and then the punishment he heaves on himself for feeling such self-pity, and my chest tightens. I know. I hear you, Darryl. There are still happy days. But my sad days are coming back fast and furious and i don't know what to do about it.
Or if i need do anything at all.
Jordan tells me to come to him and talk to him, but he is busy. He assures me he is never too busy, but that simply isn't true. If i went to him each time i felt dispair, he would never graduate because it would be a full time job being the shoulder that i cry on. So, i schedule time to share with him my feelings and the rest of the time i cry alone. Life is good, i know. But knowing it isn't enough.
Panicked, i try on a million different outfits trying to find the one that will assure me that i am beautiful and worth it.
Sickened, i pull on big, baggy clothes and use movies to escape.
Tired, i give up searching for proof. Proof of what?? I don't know. You tell me.
Will this pass? Is this a sign that i have hit another deeper level of wound that i must attend to?
Does anyone know an affordable shrink?
I started using the newest form of birth control 2 days ago. It is called the Nuvoring. It uses alot less systematic drugs to do essentially what the pill does. It is easy to put in and easy to take out (i hope, gulp) and i only have to worry about it once a month as it stays inserted for the 3 weeks in between periods.
Secretly i was hoping it would be the secret switch to this saddness that i feel so often these days.
Putting on a brave face, i help and support and persue and accomplish. Then, i become exhausted and stop. When i stop long enough, i find myself staring at walls and bursting into tears. Except it isn't exactly bursting. It is sort of melting into tears. Bursting would be too much effort.
I read Darryl's blog about feeling depressed, about not wanting to get out of bed and then the punishment he heaves on himself for feeling such self-pity, and my chest tightens. I know. I hear you, Darryl. There are still happy days. But my sad days are coming back fast and furious and i don't know what to do about it.
Or if i need do anything at all.
Jordan tells me to come to him and talk to him, but he is busy. He assures me he is never too busy, but that simply isn't true. If i went to him each time i felt dispair, he would never graduate because it would be a full time job being the shoulder that i cry on. So, i schedule time to share with him my feelings and the rest of the time i cry alone. Life is good, i know. But knowing it isn't enough.
Panicked, i try on a million different outfits trying to find the one that will assure me that i am beautiful and worth it.
Sickened, i pull on big, baggy clothes and use movies to escape.
Tired, i give up searching for proof. Proof of what?? I don't know. You tell me.
Will this pass? Is this a sign that i have hit another deeper level of wound that i must attend to?
Does anyone know an affordable shrink?
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