Rainy Days and Sundays

Spring is here and i have huge decisions to make. Paths to choose. Potential new roommates with whom to share my space.
And the skies rain down here in Vancouver. Incessant rain. With patches of intense sunlight.
Beautiful, fresh, forever new.

I am faced with Teaching versus the Corporate Life. My link with the design world opens me up to the realization that I am, always have been, a Designer. I just never knew there was a name for it. And i definitly didn't know there were ways to make money doing it. I sit with this new identity, not quite sure what to do with it. In a world of infinite possibilities and with the understanding that i have the power to paint my life exactly as i want it to look, i am not sure of the pallet or the colors.

Actually, i am hoping somehow that this will take care of itself. Breathe, breathe, breathe and trust. Wake up to find that i am walking down one of those paths and the choosing chose for me.

I am also faced with a deepening seriousness in my relationship. Jordan graduates in less than a month and will be thrust into life as an income earning adult. We spend an increasing amount of time together and it becomes obvious that carting pj's back and forth between apartments will drive us batty sooner or later. In fact, it already is doing exactly that...which means, living together. Jordan wants it, i want it and there it sits. Jennie moves here on June 1st and just as she makes her enterance into my daily life for the first time in 10 years, i am ready to live with my glorious life partner.

I am hoping that this, too, will work itself out.

Oh, and i am going to Colorado in May. For a very long visit. To get to know his hometown and his family and his friends. Like i said, we deepen and take it to a much more serious level. I wait for the fear to overtake me, but am just left with the steady hum that has exsisted within me ever since that first night i sat in his room, tucked into a beanbag chair, his head on my lap. My Jealousy monster is hopping a bit at the thought of meeting Jen, his best friend's wife who was, before the marriage, a very real and long obsessive crush for Jordan. But i figure i can't run from these situations. Nor can i hide.

I am in a bit of fear about being appointed Youth Leader at the Center. Today was our first meeting and i had to cancel it due to a mysterious exhaustion that started overtaking me yesterday. My theory is that my immune system is battling the beginning stages of some perpertrator and that i had best take heed and rest rest rest. But i am also wondering if my apprehension at leading something i know nothing about, stress regarding making the 'right' decisions in my career, the emotional vulnerability of watching myself get more and more involved with Jo, the cost of living in such uncertainty all the time is not at the root of my exhaustion.

Whatever it is, i nuture myself first and foremost. I must. Us women especially.

So this Sunday i let my responsibilities slide and snuggle up on my couch with my fleece blanket and watch the rain wash off my patio floor. Tomorrow i will call and apologize to those i disappointed by putting myself first. Tomorrow i will hopefully have the energy to 'do' - tomorrow i will enter again this reality we call Life.

Until then, I send you all the bravery to put your life on hold when your soul screams - ENOUGH!

I send you all Rainy Days and Sundays.