The X Files

I saw Aidan last night for the first time since the breakup last April.

There he stood, so Aidan. Everything about him seemed so familiar and yet so many million miles away. There was the fleece jacket, there was the intense eye contact, there was the incredible smile, there was the storyteller complete with hand gestures. For me, ten months had not passed at all. He was the man i had loved once upon a time and he sat across from me at Our Town last night.

It was just that i didn't feel like Krista. Or not the Krista, at least, that he called partner a year ago. I sat across from him, eating this disgusting soup, and i enjoyed him afresh, with new eyes and with a new heart. Everything about my life is so different - my inner and my outer life. This Krista, the Krista that i am now, kept thinking...gee, this guy is a nice guy. But that was about it. Perhaps it was because we were not brave enough to connect on a truly vulnerable authentic level. Perhaps then much rage and saddness and frustration and love would have tumbled out onto our small cafe table. Or perhaps it is because we have grown - in my case infinite lengths - in different directions. I sit on my own wave now, the one i vowed i would create for myself. I am a different woman and this woman is no longer in love with that man. Perhaps? I am not sure.

The event truly was drama-less. That is not a complaint.

And maybe this is simply what letting go looks like.

After the meeting i went back to my wonderful apartment and snuggled under my blankets. I called Jordan, but he was busy and added little to the conversation past his tender "Hmmmm's" and "Yeah's". After getting off the phone i reminded myself that it isn't about these guys. It isn't about who i loved then and who i love now. I have been inside and outside connections with men all my life. I have tried to make their adoration of me what was real. But these men are human and have all been young and barely know how to love themselves properly. It isn't about them. It is about me and what i can do and who i can be when the men and the friends and the mothers and the audiences and the communities have all gone off to do their own thing.

I strive to find the balance between planting my own garden and still choosing to share that garden with a partner, every day, in between naps.

Plant Your Own Garden

After a while you learn the difference,
The Subtle difference,
Between holding a hand and
Chaining a soul.

You learn that love
Doesn't mean leaning and
Company doesn't mean security.

You begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts and
Presents aren't promises.

You begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of an adult,
Not the grief of a child.

You learn to build
All your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans.

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns
If you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and
Decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.

You learn
That you really can endure.
That you really are strong.
You really do have worth.

You learn and you learn and you learn.
With every goodbye, you learn.

--Author Unknown