Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Clear Mind
I went to the Awakenings workshops planning on dropping out and i stayed. I walked into groups of people swearing i would not get to know anyone and i met angels. I refused to participate fully and then i cried more in 48 hours than i have in the last 5 years. I came home sure that i needed out of my relationship and, upon telling him how i felt, i fell in love with him even more deeply. I am a healing, hurting, oozing wound of contradiction.
Welcome to this side of Krista.
Poor Jordan. He is sorta doing his best to love me through my waves of needing to escape all the challenges our relationship presents. He is scared. I can tell. It is taking everything in him to not grab on for dear life, because he knows at any second he could turn to find me and i could be gone. I know he wants to be secure enough to allow me the freedom to stay or go without finding himself devestated, but it is hard. So much of me is certain that he deserves more than this. But, ultimately, he keeps saying...i know this fear isn't you. I know this fear isn't about me or us. I must stay and believe you will walk through these dark corners and keep on - day by day - choosing love. He is the bravest scared guy i have ever met. And i try to not save him from me. I am trying to leave it to him to save himself if he feels it is necessary.
So, i feel pretty screwed up right now.
If my job doesn't change soon, i will quit and leap once again with faith that i will find another opportunity. Right now, it is sapping my soul and i have hit my limit.
Everything just feels sort of ... off. You know? And the workshop has opened a can of saddness that is sorta sitting on me like a damp cloak. But i have gotten through tough times before - and looked what i ended up with! - i know i can do it again. I can do this. I can face my monsters and not let them drag me under. I can choose love. I can experiment with not running. Even if it is for a few extra days than normal.
Like the train engine going uphill....
ithinkicanithinkicanithinkicanithinkicanithinkicanithinkican.............
Welcome to this side of Krista.
Poor Jordan. He is sorta doing his best to love me through my waves of needing to escape all the challenges our relationship presents. He is scared. I can tell. It is taking everything in him to not grab on for dear life, because he knows at any second he could turn to find me and i could be gone. I know he wants to be secure enough to allow me the freedom to stay or go without finding himself devestated, but it is hard. So much of me is certain that he deserves more than this. But, ultimately, he keeps saying...i know this fear isn't you. I know this fear isn't about me or us. I must stay and believe you will walk through these dark corners and keep on - day by day - choosing love. He is the bravest scared guy i have ever met. And i try to not save him from me. I am trying to leave it to him to save himself if he feels it is necessary.
So, i feel pretty screwed up right now.
If my job doesn't change soon, i will quit and leap once again with faith that i will find another opportunity. Right now, it is sapping my soul and i have hit my limit.
Everything just feels sort of ... off. You know? And the workshop has opened a can of saddness that is sorta sitting on me like a damp cloak. But i have gotten through tough times before - and looked what i ended up with! - i know i can do it again. I can do this. I can face my monsters and not let them drag me under. I can choose love. I can experiment with not running. Even if it is for a few extra days than normal.
Like the train engine going uphill....
ithinkicanithinkicanithinkicanithinkicanithinkicanithinkican.............
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