Friday, January 21, 2005
amoeba indents
about to leave for my awakenings retreat.
god, i have been grumpy for like 5 days in a row.
and i don't wanna go to this retreat. which makes me feel awful. guilty. which makes me feel like going to the retreat less because it adds to my list of amoeba indents (aka those suspisions of self or places in which your disabling belief systems have taken a chunk out of your complete happiness). in light of this weekend, i shall list my indents...a rant of sorts. because being positive today isn't an option and will make me want to punch someone in the face.
WHAT EATS INTO KRISTA'S AMOEBA
ryan ignoring me at the office just because i have a boyfriend now and i guess i am not half as interesting when the possibility of seeing me naked is reduced even further from its original NEVERGONNAHAPPEN odds, happy music when the world feels like a big mud puddle that i am slogging my way through, the fact that i did not get the chance to have a dad, the fact that my ex's play victim like pros and i am soooooo sick of it, my sex life always being painful or unbalanced or simply frustrating, when i do stuff i love i am broke and when i am making money i am ususally doing mind-numbing crap like fed ex-ing shit for adult children, the rain that never ever ever stops in vancouver, getting zits at the age of 28, exhausting myself trying to schedule everything perfectly so that i don't get exhausted, pretty much everything about my current job at this point, being pretty sure that i am a hurtful and horrible girlfriend, my disappointing naked body, people that don't make themselves clear when they speak to me, laying on the ground and being asked to breath into the pain, the suspision that everyone does - in the end - leave, my constant urge to run, run, run, impatience with anyone that can't learn how to dance or sing or speak fast enough, my fear that i am running out of time, having people ask me to save them, my dwindling eyesight, being so smart and still - not really - most of the time - getting it.
maybe this weekend will heal me. maybe it will just annoy me like everything else i and i will leave. maybe i will just ignore what they lay out for me and take advantage of the free food and hot tub. maybe i will wake up one morning soon and this black cloud will have gone away. maybe i should move back home and start from scratch again. maybe i should quit my job and trust that another one will appear. maybe i should go back to school.
maybe i have just made a complete circle and am back to where i was in FUCKING JUNE!!!!!!
good going krista. brilliant. well done.
where is darryl and a bag of Spitz when you need 'em?
god, i have been grumpy for like 5 days in a row.
and i don't wanna go to this retreat. which makes me feel awful. guilty. which makes me feel like going to the retreat less because it adds to my list of amoeba indents (aka those suspisions of self or places in which your disabling belief systems have taken a chunk out of your complete happiness). in light of this weekend, i shall list my indents...a rant of sorts. because being positive today isn't an option and will make me want to punch someone in the face.
WHAT EATS INTO KRISTA'S AMOEBA
ryan ignoring me at the office just because i have a boyfriend now and i guess i am not half as interesting when the possibility of seeing me naked is reduced even further from its original NEVERGONNAHAPPEN odds, happy music when the world feels like a big mud puddle that i am slogging my way through, the fact that i did not get the chance to have a dad, the fact that my ex's play victim like pros and i am soooooo sick of it, my sex life always being painful or unbalanced or simply frustrating, when i do stuff i love i am broke and when i am making money i am ususally doing mind-numbing crap like fed ex-ing shit for adult children, the rain that never ever ever stops in vancouver, getting zits at the age of 28, exhausting myself trying to schedule everything perfectly so that i don't get exhausted, pretty much everything about my current job at this point, being pretty sure that i am a hurtful and horrible girlfriend, my disappointing naked body, people that don't make themselves clear when they speak to me, laying on the ground and being asked to breath into the pain, the suspision that everyone does - in the end - leave, my constant urge to run, run, run, impatience with anyone that can't learn how to dance or sing or speak fast enough, my fear that i am running out of time, having people ask me to save them, my dwindling eyesight, being so smart and still - not really - most of the time - getting it.
maybe this weekend will heal me. maybe it will just annoy me like everything else i and i will leave. maybe i will just ignore what they lay out for me and take advantage of the free food and hot tub. maybe i will wake up one morning soon and this black cloud will have gone away. maybe i should move back home and start from scratch again. maybe i should quit my job and trust that another one will appear. maybe i should go back to school.
maybe i have just made a complete circle and am back to where i was in FUCKING JUNE!!!!!!
good going krista. brilliant. well done.
where is darryl and a bag of Spitz when you need 'em?
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