100% Cracked Wheat

I ate so much bread this weekend.

No, you don't understand. Bread is my crack. I try to keep myself away from it because when i start there is no stopping me. One piece buttered becomes another with PB&J and before you know it i am dipping whole loaves into cream based soups and groaning in pleasure. Don't get me wrong - i am not against pleasure in any way - but it the part that comes next that is disturbing.

Bread equals chubby. Suddenly naked in a mirror i am all thigh and more aware than ever of my non-existant ankles and my tummy, bloated and round. Of course, being a woman, this image of myself gets blown up by about 3000x and suddenly i am morbidly obese and convinced that, come morning, i will have lost all my friends, my current lover and most of my wardrobe. It is a guiltfest and i am the headliner.

When i fall in love i gain weight. That has always been my pattern. But i am trying to break alot of patterns these days.

Like jealousy. I spent three years with Aidan secretly thinking up ways to soil the memory of Her in his mind, imagining us bumping into Her only to find out that She has turned ugly and stupid.... plotting and obsessing and hurting the entire time. Seems Jo has a Her. Seems most of us have a Her. And i watch myself teeter of the edge of making Her my new source of insecurity. I have had moments that blinded me with greeeeeeeeen envy convinced that i could never & will never be half the woman She is...the pain, the pain. But it seems i have also had moments where i have been able to detach from the feelings and choose something different. It is hard, but my spiritual abs keep me from falling...

Anyone with any real advice on jealousy - let me know.

As for my patterns, i will keep my head up and recognize them into oblivion.

As for eating bread and getting chubby...

Ah, hell, pass the gravy.