The Ever Present Sadness

I opened my show. It was a huge success. Big check mark for the show - at least in terms of it's quality.
I'm losing weight. I've cut out wheat/gluten from my diet for three weeks now and most sugars. I'm skinnier and more importantly, I feel better.
I've got more time to do what I want. With two shows a week and only promotions to have to think about, I've gotten some of my life back.
It's been hot here. Hot and dry with lots of bright, yellow sun. My tan is slowly creeping back and I'm reminded how good I feel when I am surrounded by heat.
My future is bright. I will either get a very well paying job at the end of August that will last for a whole year or Leon will get some exciting contract or we both won't get anything but then we'll get to go traveling. Win, win, win situation.
I have a friend here in Moose Jaw to do things with.
I have a great husband.
Our recent plumbing issue was solved with ease, joy and grace.
The house, although not sold yet, has had lots of positive comments and will sell eventually.
I've never had my finances be this healthy.
My car is working.
I get to sleep in again.
Life is good.

And yet. I woke up this morning and felt sad. I'm not sure why or from where it comes. It could be from having watched Revolutionary Road last night which spoke so clearly about being trapped into living a lie. That shook me. Because the truth is, if I was asked 'what do you really, really want to be doing with your life right now?' my answer would not match with what it is I am doing. And that does kill your soul. Little by little.

It is also upsetting me that something seems to be up with Leon. He is acting so distant and angry, but in a way that is subtle - so subtle I don't even think he is conscious of it. Maybe he, too, is not living his truth on some level? I've asked him what's up and he says that everything is fine. But he barks at me when he normally wouldn't and walks through his days in a bit of a distracted haze. It worries me for him.

I want us to both to be happy. And I don't just mean as a couple or in our relationship, but as individuals. I want to believe that we can both chase our dreams and live our truths and still stay together, happily married. Possible? Maybe. Hopefully. I often feel so guilty for not being more content. But then I remind myself that discontent can often be a gift. It can lead you toward what you most dream of experiencing and urge you to grow in ways that you never would if you were happy to stay put.

Although, could I not feel content AND have the desire to reach for new horizons?

All I know is that until this show is over, I will be a slave to it's success. Worrying, working, promoting, nurturing, fretting. It is, at once, both rewarding and suffocating. Part of me just wants to stop right now and let tickets be what they will be and cease to care if we break even or profit or the like. It makes me resentful often to see how hard Leon and I work to promote this show -- hours every day -- and know that everyone will get an equal share regardless of their efforts. But it wouldn't make me resentful if it was what I truly wanted to do, I'm sure. The pain comes from having worked and currently working so hard at fulfilling everyone ELSE'S dreams.

Five more weeks and then I can make different choices?

Or is Saskatchewan my Revolutionary Road? And theatre my safe little cubicle?

Letting Go Of Finding Me?

Jordan has emailed me to inform me that soon my website needs to be renewed or cancelled. So, it seems, the decision is upon me. Keep www.kjkonkin.com alive or let it go?

I am thinking that this may be a good time to say goodbye to my gorgeous site. It was created five years ago and it doesn't really feel like it serves who I am anymore. I can keep on blogging and facebooking and all that great stuff, but perhaps I need to be website-less until I have figured out the purpose for a new incarnation of kjkonkin.com. I've blogged before about how hits to my site have dwindled, with my blog being the only real active link that people care about...so...

It seems like a huge decision. But I think it is time. Time to let go of finding me. Does this mean I am found? Not so much, but it does mean that I've figured out how to be at peace with the search. This summer and turning 33 can be a leaf turning time...my last theatre performance for a long while perhaps? The end of my current website? Going back to school to study something completely different?

Maybe that is why this opening night of Ain't We Got Fun feels monumental. It isn't just about opening a show that I've been completely responsible for creating, but it is becoming the way in which I go out with a bang. This Friday marks the beginning of an end and the start to a new beginning.

And as always, I hope you'll all join me.

Turning 33

It's my birthday tomorrow.

I love birthdays, but this one is so buried underneath Ain't We Got Fun that it doesn't really feel like it is happening. So, this year, I am going to postpone my birthday. I am going to open my show with faith and love and then when it is up and flying I will set it free and then spend the time celebrating the day I was born. Because the truth is, I wanna celebrate this life. It's a good life. I'm excited to give thanks for my birth and for every day that has followed since. For now, I will list some of my gratitudes and wishes and then - in a couple of weeks - I will go out and ... as my friend Cory would say ... rock out with my cock out.

Currently I Am Thankful For:

- having a friend in Moose Jaw for the summer
- having such great realtors
- my great looking MLS listing - http://is.gd/11kMC
- some quiet, alone time on this beautiful Sunday morning
- a day off
- two night already sold out of my upcoming show
- incredible financial health
- a family who will really give what they can to support my dreams
- having a marriage that is so much fun to be part of
- the sun
- my moments of willingness
- the health of all those I love
- the last 33 years filled with total freedom and yummy self-indulgence;-)

Quote For My Birthday:

"Fear is just an affirmation of our growth." -- Rhonda Britten

Birthday Gift Wish List:

- an iPhone case
- an iPhone dock
- my house to sell for over $120K or more
- a new, good book
- some new, fun, summer clothes
- spa love - massage, reflexology, etc
- brand new sporty black hatchback vehicle
- Missy Higgins music
- a new TV show with lots of seasons to get hooked into
- a label maker like this one
- Flip Video - see here
- to have the cost of my naturopath appointment on the 29th covered
- taken to The Proposal opening on June 19th
- take my West Coast road trip and maybe even attend a UCSL retreat

And I will leave off this post with a link to last year's birthday post, because it is always neat to look back and see where you came from...helps to deduce how you got where you are...and makes the conscious creation of tomorrow that much easier. I wanted to be amazed at where I would be in 2009 and I am. Amazed.

And next year will even more interesting.

All At Once

Rehearsal periods are always so roller coaster. On one hand they are exciting and brimming with potential. They are the times of true creativity where you come up with the stuff and experiment with everything else until you find your flow. On the other hand they are usually also a time of pressure and insecurity and sore muscles and sometimes even dread.

Ain't We Got Fun rehearsals started on Monday and they have been fabulous, stressful and productive. It is bizarre to be the leader AND a fellow cast member. Because as a fellow cast member I am as confused and behind as everyone else is, but as the director I'm in complete control of the process. It's schizophrenic to be both the calm leader and the frightened crowd all at the same time.

To top of the schizophrenia is the marketer/producer in me who is working to make sure that this show sells tickets. Arrggg. It's all too much. I'm tired. I want my house to sell. Oh, and my bartholin cyst decided to reappear last week.

The strangest out picturing of this stress has been my health. I've been eating gluten free as of late just to make a stab in the dark at what my digestive system seems to be going through. It is getting to point that every time I eat something, It makes me feel kinda ill. And I mean ANYTHING. Salads = ill. Soup = ill. Junk food = ill. A glass of fruit juice = ill. I've booked an appointment with a naturopath for after we open the show. Perhaps I've created a food allergy. OR perhaps I do not integrate this kind of HEAPING stress into my life very well and thus the anxiety is grinding my guts to a screeching halt. I have to admit, I dream of August 3rd, when I wake up and have absolutely nothing to do. Somehow it seems entirely possible that I will be able, then, to go out and eat a nice, big meal and feel absolutely fine. Ahhh, August 3rd.

Like I said, roller coaster. Because it isn't all bad. I've got great realtors dealing with my house now and so, although I'd love to just sell it and have it over with, I don't have to think too much about it anymore. My cyst is clearing up and my weird stomache issues are, at least, providing me with some weight loss.

And the show is wonderful. I'm so proud of my cast and I really think this show could keep the audience in stitches from opening to close. There is so much goodness and quality packed into the two hours...beautiful ballads by beautiful singers, hilarious sketches and character duets, romance, tap dancing, broad gags, subtle innuendo, impressive arrangements and harmonies, high energy entertainment and moments so sweet that you have to go 'awwwwww'. Today will be our first run through and I will get a better big picture look at our product, but really, I already feel successful. People will buy tickets and regardless of how many are sitting out there, I am pleased to be the creator of this project. I must not lose sight of that...

This will be one of the most rewarding experiences I will have ever had, if I can just get through it without it killing me.

Anonymity Is A Beautiful Thing

I took my blog off of Facebook tonight. There are just too many people on my FB now that I feel odd enough about that I find myself editing what I want to write. Which I have never done and don't intend to start doing. Screw that. I love to write honestly. And as less and less people are coming to my blog to read lately, the more and more I feel like I can start saying, once again, exactly what I want to. Because if a tree falls in the forest and there isn't anyone to hear - does it really make a sound?

This selling my house thing has stunk so far. I thought it was going to be so easy. But here we are - like idiots - selling NOW...now that the market has become flooded with sellers instead of buyers. Buyers are all tied into knots about the recession or the potential crash that Saskatchewan has coming to it and, on top of that, buyers have about one million options. I hate having people poke around my house and criticizing it. I get enough of that from my mother. It just plain sucks as a thing to have to do day in and day out.

So, we've listed it with a realtor. I have chosen someone from Regina, because somehow I feel my house is not represented well by someone from Moose Jaw. We've priced it a bit high in my estimation, but then again I am feeling beaten down and she is fresh and optimistic. The commission strategy is aggressive, but if they can sell my house for a good price, I am willing to pay them good money. I'm just not sure. Not sure of anything. I want to pick this house up and take it with me to Vancouver Island where people will appreciate it. Where I could continue to live in it, but near the ocean. I just want this house to sell.

At least now, sell or not, I don't have to be in the front row. I just have to get updates and offers and make negotiations and sign on the dotted line. If the price has to come down too low, we will either lose the money or rent it out. I don't want to regret buying this house because it won over my heart when I first found it...but I may regret allowing Leon to talk me into buying a house in Moose Jaw. Or maybe it has nothing to do with the location -- maybe selling one's house in a buyer's market sucks for everybody.

Anyway - the sign goes in our lawn tomorrow. May it all unfold with ease, joy and grace. May the universe attract a young, happy and in love couple like we were who will love this house because it is old and quirky and charming!! May I find my way through this hell and onto the other side.

I need a distraction. Something that isn't the show and something that isn't the house. A new TV show. Or a class to take. Or perhaps I should take -sorry Leon- a lover...

...although the only kind of man I would be attracted to right now would be one who wanted to buy my house.

Signs

This short movie - 10 minutes long - has just captured my heart.

Signs
Uploaded by mg02 - Check out other Film & TV videos.

N V

There is a downside to using Facebook....