Forward Thinking

This is a post about not rewinding. To shosholoza instead is a noble thing.

Once you own, it is hard to ever rent again. Once you have had an apartment to yourself, you're never going to be quite as okay with roommates. The day you walk away from a certain chapter of your life, that chapter is shut. You can think that you are going to open it up and leap back in, but that is impossible. At best, you will simply start a new chapter that is similar to the one long done. Usually, this will end up feeling like a nightmarish deja vu or an embarrassing repeat of an old pattern. There is no rewinding.

I am not the girl who lived in #206 or loved Jordan or studied real estate. There are aspects of that chapter that I might miss, but there will be others that I had forgotten that I hated. For example, today I whipped off my jacket to help SJ paint her apartment and on my arm, three red bites in a row. They could be spider bites or mosquitos bites, but I have to tell you, I am pretty sure that they are bedbug bites. A reminder of a part of that old chapter that I do not miss.

Life is different now. I am married, I own a house in Moose Jaw, I have friends today that I didn't even know existed 7 months ago. Do I still love BC? Yes. But is it the only place for me to live and still feel like I can be myself? I know I have been feeling that way lately, but now I am not so sure.

Maybe Vancouver just fit me during a certain point in my life. The way that Toronto did until it didn't. Perhaps I am okay with staying in Moose Jaw awhile longer and then going somewhere all together different? Or maybe the Island will live up to my romantic ideals...

I've never been good at letting go. Yet, as I get older I master it in baby steps. I am enjoying my time here in Vancouver, but maybe I came here to say goodbye, not to start again.

And I will tell you this...if I wake up with more bedbug bites, I am seriously going to contemplate getting in my car and driving home tomorrow.

My First Day Back

It's Sunday and the sun beats down on Vancouver, forever mixed with an ocean breeze. Outside the window of the house I am staying at is a rain forest with trees the size of sky scrapers. I have just returned from The Centre, driving over the Lion's Gate Bridge with my window down, watching the boats float down False Creek. Deciding to blog, I have brought my MacBook outside where all I can smell is pine and cedar and soil and ocean. Later on, I will take my stuff to Shelley's one bedroom apartment and crash there for a week, living once again in the heart of my 404 past. This city, this province, makes my heart sing. It represents to me a time of redefinition and empowerment, heartbreak and bravery, healing and inspiration. I am so glad to be back.

Sounds like the Artist in Residence meeting between Mortlach and the coordinator at the Arts Board didn't go terribly well. The Saskatchewan Arts Board doesn't seem to advocate performing artists the way they do Visual Artists and they don't like it when a town like Mortlach applies for a grant with a specific artist in mind. I think they feel that that narrows the town's thinking. Personally, I think Mortlach's dreams for itself as a prairie village are anything but narrow. The town is not be discouraged and, more determined than ever, they are now finding other grants and other means to get me involved. I have to hand it to them, for a town of 200 people, they are rockin' and rollin'.

I am watching it unfold curiously. If Mortlach succeeds, I could have well paying artistic work until the end of 2010. If Mortlach fails, I could have the perfect excuse to come back to this place of sweet smells and green love. Either way, I win. Perhaps there will be a way to have the best of both worlds. As Rev C used to say, there is no reason we can't all have our cake and eat it, too.

For as happy as this place makes me, it makes my husband act weird. For him, this place is filled with ghosts and communities of people who know him as his old, brooding, badboy self. In Saskatchewan he has reinvented himself, but here he feels like no one will let him out of the tight, little box that he existed in for years. My hope is that if we move back we will move to the Island and thus it will be the first time that we live someplace where the slate is clean for us both.

Ahhhh, BC. I leave you with the image of that which is currently staring back at me...a cute husband and a huge trunk.

My BC Goals List

Here are the following things I hope to accomplish while in BC:

1. Walk up and down, up and down, up and down Commercial Drive. Stop only to buy pizza from That Amazing Place at the corner of Broadway and Commercial.
2. Walk the seawall. Hopefully at night, but will accept a daytime stroll as well.
3. Have a gazillion girl talks. Talk about sex, impossible men, elusive dreams and maybe even -- ahem - gossip.
4. Lindyhop. Especially at Showboat where I will stop and breathe in the ocean and admire the sunset and smile at the stars while I step, step, triple step.
5. See inside my old apartment. (This one could prove difficult).
6. Sit at a trendy Vancouver coffee shop with my MacBook happily on my lap.
7. Have a kick-ass Sunshine Coast wedding reception. Soak in having all my friends and loved ones together in one space.
8. Locate a black, automatic Toyota Echo/Yaris, Susuki Swift, Chevy Aveo or Pontiac Wave 4 door hatch with 24,000KM that will only cost me $6,000 with my trade in. Buy it.
9. Sit on a beach, any beach, and try to figure out if I want to commit to the Artist in Residence job in Mortlach which would have me in Saskatchewan until the fall of 2010 or just come back to the coast where my heart belongs.
10. Eat at all my favorite restaurants...fries at Wazubi's, gelato at the factory, late night at the Naam.
11. Go to my Centre and recharge my spiritual battery.
12. Walk around Chemainus, see the show, remember my love affair with my husband by my side.
13. Finally get a chance to experience Bowen Island.
14. Pop on over to Pender Island and trade island experiences with Leon.
15. Shop for real estate or at least get to know the neighborhoods that we could see ourselves living.
16. Find me a real steal on Leopard. Here, kitty kitty.
17. Have a Krista and Eric date and make is super duper cool.
18. See my ex and touch his ... iPhone.
19. Shop with females who enjoy shopping. Maybe even a Value Village mega trip with the SJ.
20. Have a gooey sleep over with Shellest.
21. Spend some quality Me time at Banyan Books.
22. Get my wedding rings back --- with a third ring to complete the set!
23. Go to a yoga class. If I am really daring, a Bikrams yoga class.

One more sleep!!!!!!!!

My Sister and Me

So I got a facebook message from my sister.

Yup, I said sister. Odd to talk about my sister when I never really knew her...or should I say them since I have two of them? They are half-sisters and the parent that we share in common is the parent I try to pretend I never had. Yet, never the less, they are my sisters and one of them, Sandra, contacted me the other day.

I have been so busy with wrapping up this shoot for Send In The Clowns that I haven't replied yet, but I will. Most people would probably be a whole lot more freaked out about this whole re-meet of another family, but It seems perfectly okay to me. The only part that was hard was hearing about my dad. She says he is 'on his way out' and isn't expected to live much longer. I have to admit that when I heard that part of the news I felt a lot like Diana Morales did in A Chorus Line.

Nothing.

Other than that bit of drama, life is grand. It has become exceptionally hot since closing and Leon and I and my mom have been slaving away at the house. Leon finished an entire french drain around our property all by himself and it is amazing!! I decorated our front mud room and repainted the front and garage doors. We are stupidly tan and feeling quite proud of ourselves. My real estate mogul cousin stopped by yesterday to take a look at our humble abode and said very favorable things. Best of all her comments was the simple statement 'oh, this will sell, easy'. It is so wonderful to have people say nice things about our house...it's like our baby, you know?

Which brings up a strange feeling that I had the other night. It happened after I saw a house on skhomes4sale.com here in Moose Jaw. It is the prettiest, most wonderful old character home and I have positively fallen head over heels in love with it. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with this thought...if I could live there I would happily stay in Moose Jaw forever and ever! The thought shocked me and so I shared it with my husband. He was shocked, too, of course, because all I ever say is how much I want to move outta here and go back to BC. But the more I looked at my feelings, the more confused I became. Was it about my house crush? Was it residual feelings I was having about my disappointing emails from the other night? Was it about the new community of friends that we have now made here or all the job opportunities that seem to be available?

Who knows...but I will give you the link to my house crush anyway, just so you can see why it might be enough to make me second guess myself;-)

Click here to see what I would buy if I had just a wee bit more money...

Ahhhh, I'll blame my temporary case of insanity to the heat. Seeing the mountains and ocean and smelling the green in the air of BC will cure me, I'm sure.

Won't it?

These Are The Night I Like Having A Blog

Without a blog, how else can one unload their heart in the middle of the night?

River Street is over and for the first time in a long time, I feel sad to end a show. My cast was more than amazing, they were kind. Actually kind, not I-had-better-be-kind-because-who-knows-what-jobs-or-info-I-might-be-able-to-get-out-of-you kind. Ian stood up at our party and gave a speech that floored me. In it, he quoted all the memorable quotes from throughout the run. At the end, he concluded his speed with a quote from something I said to the cast in the early part of the run, when the show was still wobbly and the morale a little low. I said:

There are three way to measure the success of a show. The first is by how many big, impressive, Equity names you have in the cast. The second is by how many tickets you sell and how many awards you win. But the third is the only one that is real. The third is by how much love exists in the building when you are all on stage together.

And Ian concluded that if the third was true, then ours must be the the most successful show in the history of this country because the love in that building could spill out onto the streets. None of us could disagree with him. We raised our champagnes and held back tears. Man, I am going to miss those guys. Going to? I already do.

Today was filled with more filming for Send In The Clowns, that short film I am doing with Daniel. It was pretty dark and twisty stuff and it left me in a grateful and sad place. When I got home I received an email - two emails actually - that added to my grateful/sad state. It made me realize how lucky I am to have the life I have - despite the days I wish I were somebody else. If only for the fact that I am in a relationship that is kick ass, my life is pretty great. I have made new friends here that don't want me to leave and I am going back in just over a week to a place where I have left so many old friends behind. Once again, I am floating between jobs and geographical locations without a healthy dose of having a clue where I belong. And yet, and yet.

I know who I am. Of course I do. I know what my boundaries are and I won't ever again allow them to blur (thank you to Jordan!) My partner makes me his priority every day, proudly, and I don't have to sell him on it or convince him to do it or negotiate anything to make it happen. My marriage proves to me that love is simple. What a controversial thing to say in a society that is convinced that love is hard work. The hard work is in loving myself...but when I am succeeding at that, sharing that love with Leon Benjamin Willey is the easiest thing I have ever done before in my whole life, period.

Sigh. It seems impossible that the summer is only half over.

Maybe if I close my eyes long enough it will never have to end...

Jabber Wocky

I had a crappy show tonight so my blog post will be tainted by that, just to warn you. Plus, I am not feeling particularly like making logical sense out of what I have to say, so if you are in a Type A mood, you best log off.

I hate beige people. I'm a lot of things and, admittedly, not all of them are positive, but one thing I ain't is BEIGE. I worry that living here will turn me beige, but so far, I am safe. Beige people should all be taken to their beige rooms and get locked inside until they die a very beige death. How do you do it, beige people?? How do you live a life where you never get up and dance, you refuse to laugh out loud, your feelings are cut off and dried up and your face is so frozen from lack of expression that you look like some sort of suburban robot?? How, beige ladies, do you have a baby and then become totally uninterested and uninteresting? How, gentlemen, did you squeeze into that tight little box of boredom that you obviously hate since you spend your spare time sneaking off to lap up internet porn for excitement?? Beige, boring, and bland. It's like a goal for the masses. GOD ALMIGHTY.

Three more shows. Two tomorrow and I am so tired I can't imagine getting through them, although I know I will. I'm gonna miss this cast. What a great group of people. Kind, funny and definitely NOT beige! LOL. I don't know how I have felt artistically about the show, but I do know that I was blessed with a showcase and that having a cast that you get along with so well is worth its weight in gold.

Next, BC. Ahhhh, BC. Will I love being back? How could I not? But will it have the effect I assume it will where I will want to stay forever and never return home? Or will part of me suddenly see how much good is waiting for me back in Saskatchewan?

And do I want to do this Artist in Residence if it means that I have to live in rural Saskatchewan until the end of 2010?? I will be 34 by then!! Pretty sure the answer to that one is NOPE. So, what next then, Konkin, what next??

Sometimes I wish I could be someone else, living someone else's life. Sometimes, though, like this afternoon, all the pieces fit together perfectly and I am all at once satisfied. I have made a new friend in Stella - what a doll face! - and was lazing around her pool this afternoon. She is a woman who has had kids but has stayed a load of fun...the actress in her I guess. Her and her husband are the example of how to get married and have kids and live in Moose Jaw, but still say hip and hot. My husband was swimming by me, his eyelashes all wet from the water and other friends of ours were laughing their asses off at something dumb. It was hot out and I was tanning and life was good. Too bad that feeling doesn't seem to last very long these days.

I am dealing with my strange health issues by cutting out wheat/gluten from my diet. Treating it like symptoms for Celiac as per the suggestion of one of my cyber friends. So far, I am feeling 90% better and eating this way isn't even all that hard. I mean, It still allows you to eat rice chips and some chocolate, so it ain't totally a loss. Too bad eating this way couldn't make me as skinny as Kate Hudson. Ah well.

Should I do the Applause winter show??? Or should I take another break from the stage? Part of me feels ready to not perform for awhile again, but the other part of me is so networked into the job opportunities that I almost think it would be easier for me to just do the show thing. AND - another question - do I apply for jobs in Vancouver? If they are awesome jobs that I would love to have and in the location that my heart desires, should I do it when I know full well that my house and husband and life is here??

Or, how about this for a question...what is a good facial wash for taking off loads of makeup?

Still curious what everybody's bucket list would be....I've put out my answer, now it's your turn!

I've noticed something else, many of the leaders of my spiritual community (which for those of you that don't know is of the Science of Mind/New Thought/Metaphysical variety) are grumpy. Now, I find that strange considering the whole teaching and philosophy is about positive thinking and positive living. About living like the Dali Lama and making 'kindness your religion'. Does it not follow then that these people of all the people out there should be full of above average positivity?? If calling one of them to find out an answer to the question, shouldn't these people be wonderful to talk to, easy even? I don't know. Most of time they are sullen, bitchy and sound exhausted.

Perhaps trying to be a positive leader in the world tires you out to the point you want to punch people.

Perhaps I should just go and pour myself some more lemonade.

What's Going On With Me?

I woke up this morning at ten to five. In the morning. I was awakened by the same discomfort that I have had for several nights now. My feet are hot and feel swollen, my body is aching and it feels like my heart is racing.

At ten to five, I got out of bed and came here, to the TV room. I grabbed my MacBook and started googling my symptoms. From the sounds of it I could have anything from hypothyroidism to a neuropathy. Although I dislike western medicine, I am considering going to a doctor. Because something is up with me.

I feel loaded with odd and unusual symptoms these days. Weird neck pain, wild mood swings, strange digestive activity, disrupted sleep, physical cramping in my limbs, tingly, hot feet. It worries me about me. Am I bringing all of this on myself with the self-induced stress that I create with my feelings of discontent? Or am I feeling more discontent than usual because of something physical that is going on in my body? I am so tired and want to sleep, but feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

Hell, I am feeling uncomfortable in my own life.

My emotional anxiety is embarrassing sometimes. Tonight I talked to two friends of mine that I haven't spoken to in forever. And they were both dealing with the kind of life events that REALLY shake a person up. There I was, commiserating with their moods, and yet I had nothing concrete to complain about. Boring stuff like 'I don't like living here' or 'I am lonely and friendless' or 'three years later and I still don't know what it is I truly want to do with my life!!' In fact, in some areas my life soars while most of my friend's lives falter. Why can't I celebrate those successes and ignore the areas where I am stuck?

Why are my feet feeling this way? What is my physical discomfort all about?

What if I have some strange brain tumor or life threatening cancer?

Which reminds me, I gotta answer my Bucket List question.

Just in case.