Musings On The Eve Of Leon's Return

I'm sitting here in my living room, beside my tree again, breathing into how I feel about Leon returning tomorrow.

To say I'm happy to have my husband back would be an understatement. But I'm more than just happy.

In fact, I have so many feeeeeeelings.

I'm terrified. Terrified that somehow we won't know how to fall back into a shared lifestyle. We'll feel like we're suffocating each other, and in the middle of the night, while we toss and turn with the discomfort of having to once again share a bed, he'll decide he no longer loves me.

(I didn't say these were rational feelings.)

I'm nervous. Because when you've been apart this much, the person starts feeling brand new. Which is both sexy, and nerve wracking. Picking him up at the airport almost feels like a first date. What if I don't know what to say? What if he is totally boring? What if he wants to have sex AND I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW?

I'm sad. Okay, this doesn't have much to do with Leon's return, but with some other stuff that I somehow lump into my Leon stuff. Like I'm already sad that once we return from Mexico, he is going to have to leave again (he got a contract back in BC). I'll have just fallen back into a wonderful, relaxed groove with the man, just to be abandoned all over again. Ug. And I feel sad, because there has been baby stuff bubbling back up to the surface for me in the last couple of days, and baby stuff always makes me sad. Why? Because everywhere I look people are having them, trying to have them, about to have them, or loving the ones they recently had. And they genuinely LIKE the baby stuff. They WANT the baby stuff. They happily GIVE UP THEIR ENTIRE IDENTITIES for the baby stuff. But me? Nope. I feel nothing about the subject. Na da. Except guilt, and pressure. And like I should find a good therapist.

I'm horny. (That should go without saying.)

I'm grateful. Especially for my silly contract in Regina. Because it is something that I feel is my own. And with my husband returning, with his big personality, and his big, full life, and his big plans, I feel like having something of my own going on will keep me from being squashed by it all. My contract in Regina is filled with my friends, and my chaos, and my crevices. And it will give me the opportunity to continue to inhabit a bit of the independence that I've had to cultivate over the last bit while we've been apart.

I'm excited. Excited for this Christmas, which I think is going to be so Christmas-y that'll make up for our non-exsistant holidays the last couple of years. Excited to see Leon open all his gifts, and excited to hang out with family with him beside me, and excited to make him some of my awesome new recipes, and excited to share in the season's festivities with my spouse. I'm also excited that immediately following all the Christmas fun, we leave for MEXICO.

Thank God.

A wise friend of mine recently said that when in a long distance relationship, you end up refiguring your mindset back to your single life, merely in order to survive. If you don't, you spend all day, every day, feeling lost and miserable and in grieving of void that the person's absence has left. To survive, you let them go a little bit, and when they return, on some level, you start again from scratch learning how to be a partner.

Amen.

In celebration of all of the above, I head off to bed with the full intention of sleeping diagonally. Oh yeah, full spread eagle baby.