So far 2012 has proven to be a year of shifting perspectives for me. It's like I can feel certain parts of myself softening and opening...and almost a certain fog clearing. It is happening in the the department of family, and in career, and especially in who it is I think I am.
Last night I had a conversation with an ex of mine from what feels like another lifetime ago. Speaking with him brought back so many memories, and those memories had a texture that sat is stark contrast to how my life feels these days. In many ways, I am still very much the same bratty, strong willed, brashly funny girl from my 20s. But I feel a certain anger that fuelled me back then, replaced with something else. I'm not sure what it is, or what to call it. But it reminds me that, although similar, I'm a far cry from being the girl I was 10 years ago.
It was like, last night, I saw this ex of mine for the first time. I saw his amazing human-ness, the love beneath his actions, the passion he has about being a father, the distinctly impressive life he has carved out for himself. I saw beyond all the stories that I've held about who he is, and in letting go of those, I felt a weight lift off my heart about who it is I believe I was. Maybe it was forgiveness I was feeling - and not for him, as I don't think he did anything wrong - but towards myself and all the ways, back then, that I failed to choose love. Or kindness. Or compassion.
It made me want to say I'm sorry to him...hell, to each and every man that I held dear during that decade of my life. The truth was - and maybe still is - I was scared. I was afraid of everything, and my fear made me angry, and my anger made me act out in ways that was less than admirable. The men in my life were flawed, but lovely, authentic souls, who probably deserved to be treated better. Not that I didn't love them. I did, in my own way. I still do. But I was mad at life, and spent more time being determined than I did being grateful.
The conversation last night spurred a lunch date today with another man-from-my-past. Nostalgia always seems to comes in waves. Again, this afternoon, listening to this man talk about his life, I was so overcome with tenderness for our younger selves, and now our older-slightly-more-tired-but-signifigantly-more-grounded selves, that I felt like bursting into tears. The entire lunch, I just keep thinking...what a good person. Ten years ago I would have navigated the entire conversation for ways to establish some kind of power in our connection, but this afternoon, and last night, I just felt like...exhaling.
I guess we're all just doing the best we can do, with what we've been given. That's all we've ever done. And I honour the crazy 20-something I used to be, because she got me here. And I reserve a room in my heart for each man in my past that loved me, even a little bit, because without them, I would not have been able to let her go.
