So, I just found out that a friend of mine got the role I was auditioning for a couple of weeks ago. She, like me, has been out of the auditioning/doing shows circuit for awhile. We were both sorta laughing at finding ourselves in a lobby, stretching and waiting to go back in to the Dark Hole that is theatre. Then, today, BOOM, I found out she got the role. I did not.
Either did my husband. Which, of course, makes me feel worse than I would for myself. Because as much I still like to 'win' the competition and be chosen so I can get that hit of YES I AM GOOD ENOUGH, he is the one who actually, truly likes/loves doing theatre contracts. So, here we are, fresh off the phone call that our buddy got the female lead and knowing both of us didn't get any sorta phone call whatsoever and the silence in the room is deafening. It doesn't help that we also spent the day looking for a camper van (it's our newest travel obsession...buying and using a camper van for our road trip) to no avail. The weather is grey and cold outside and just as gloomy inside.
Envy. It's an ugly thing.
And I don't want to do the show, but I do want to know I have enough talent to GET the show. Ya know? That's all I want. And I don't want anyone to make my husband feel badly about himself, because he is, after all, super amazing and totally scrumptious. And I don't want a couple of bad auditions to make me wonder if I really have ANY talent AT ALL, but there it is. It's this crazy cacophony of Ego Voice yelling mean, evil things in my head. Observing it is fascinating. Theatre has always brought this kind of chaos to my life. Which is why I left theatre. And I've been quite happy without theatre in my life...
...but that isn't to say that the theatre doesn't still haunt me. Haunt me it does. I left it just as my career was starting to 'work'. Only a year after I had become Equity and was getting cast in stuff. I stopped the hump-fest as I was building it all up to a big, fat climax. And I have no regrets. But I wonder. And wonder. Always wondering. What if? Did I quit so that I didn't need to find out that I DIDN'T have what it takes? Do I have what it takes? Should I go back and find out once and for all, just so I can KNOW, despite the fact that I don't really WANT to be doing it?
Listen to me. I'm like an insane person.
It's the drama of chasing the thing you can't seem to have. Or daydreaming about the one you let get away. Or aching forever and ever over that guy that just didn't love you enough to make the relationship work. I mean - IT'S INSANE. I just have to decide MYSELF whether or not I am good enough. And if I don't love doing theatre contracts, then I shouldn't pursue them JUST to feed the competitive streak in me or to gauge by getting the role or not if I have any talent.
Most of all, I will have to stop comparing myself to other people as a mechanism for measuring my worth. My buddy got the role. She is very good and the director/music director liked her better for the role. And I'm happy for her. And it doesn't need to mean anything more than that for me. My "healthy" or "spiritual" friends that I follow online ARE slightly more disciplined and clear and peaceful and 'together' than I am, sure. But I don't have to make that mean that all that I am is meaningless. And I must remember that even the people we see succeeding aren't spending hours of their own life wondering if their good enough.
I would like a sign, however, Universe. A simple sign that I am valued and that my talents are valued. Don't know what that is gonna look like - obviously not a role in that particular show - but SOMETHING.
Something.
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Monday, September 06, 2010
KJ's Life Experiment - Episode #19 - My Top 10 Fave Body Weight Exercises 7:29 PM
Most of these I got from www.renegadehealth.com and a few from Leon's customized workout -- check in and find out some unique exercises that you can do ANYWHERE with absolutely no need for equipment/weights/etc. Great for people like me who are going to be traveling for awhile!
My nicknames for the exercises:
1. Inch Worm
2. Hindu Pushup
3. Cross Walk
4. Aligator
5. Dolphin Pushup
6. Fake Dead Lift
7. Reverse Chin Up
8. Breakdancer
9. Side Plank In The Hole
10. Psychotic Curler Stretch=D
My nicknames for the exercises:
1. Inch Worm
2. Hindu Pushup
3. Cross Walk
4. Aligator
5. Dolphin Pushup
6. Fake Dead Lift
7. Reverse Chin Up
8. Breakdancer
9. Side Plank In The Hole
10. Psychotic Curler Stretch=D
Sunday, September 05, 2010
The Wanna Be Guru Answers Questions - Part 2 7:59 PM
Kickin' The Sugar Habit wrote:
I answered:
Hmmm...
Where to start?
Try to replace your banana and date with some spinach or kale. The raspberries should be enough to sweeten the smoothie AND keep your sugar count down. OR keep the date, use a whole date, and get rid of the banana and raspberries. Add hemp hearts for the creaminess that the banana gives you. Add in some UNSWEETENED chocolate almond milk with that cocoa that your using, plus a spoon full of coconut oil (gives it such a wonderful RICH flavour) -- all this together should give you the NUTRITIOUS and low sugar superfoods drink that you need. I know you are saying there are no greens in the fridge, but I'm sure you can get your hands on something...ask around...lots of gardens have excess greens these days.
Other foods with loads of hidden sugar are:
Yogurt
Cow's Pasteurized Milk
Most Breads/Bread Products (if you hunt or make your own you can find no-sugar options)
The White Poisons (white flour, white potatoes, white rice)
Fruit Juices
Canned Soups
Grocery Store Pasta Sauces
Foods with artificial sweeteners (diet pops for example...just beware if it says SUGAR FREE that they haven't simply replaced sugar with aspartame, sucralose or saccharin)
Good sugar substitutes are stevia (whole leaf if possible) and xylitol (in small amounts...this natural sugar alcohol derived from birch trees is good for our teeth, but can be hard on some people's stomaches). Also, if you are caving in to the sugar cravings and MUST have sugar, get it from dates (as you were saying, at least they have some nutrition), figs or local honey.
The more you stick to animal protein (for us meat eaters), leafy greens, superfood smoothies-sans-sugar and tiny amounts of whole fruit and other veggies, you'll lose weight. Big time. AND your body will THRIVE. Your skin will glow, better sleeps, you'll have way more energy and you could experience less mood swings/more mental clarity. At least, this has definitely been true for me.
...to be continued...
Hey Krista,
So I am in desperate need of help. I am trying to cut down sugar but....OMG everything has sugar in it. I cheated on my smoothie this morning, admitedly. I had:
.5 of a date
.5 banana (to make it creamy although I prob could do without it. I would have used an avocado instead but daddy ate it for breakfast. Sigh. I know bananas are not good for you cause they are PACKED with sugar.)
.5 cup raspberries ( I need to finish them. They are going off)
2 tbsp cocoa (no sugar in it)
2 tbsp hemp protein (cause there are no greens in the fridge)
Altogether this apparently has 20g of sugar. But dates have SO many good qualities and if eaten in moderation surely cant be bad for you. So, besides the obvious food with HIGH sugar, what are other foods I should try and avoid? And yes, I am looking on the internet and trying to figure it out.
Now, I realise you are not my guru for this, but since I am trying this and you are the only person I know who tries to cut out sugar, I need you help....please? Just this once?
I answered:
Hmmm...
Where to start?
Try to replace your banana and date with some spinach or kale. The raspberries should be enough to sweeten the smoothie AND keep your sugar count down. OR keep the date, use a whole date, and get rid of the banana and raspberries. Add hemp hearts for the creaminess that the banana gives you. Add in some UNSWEETENED chocolate almond milk with that cocoa that your using, plus a spoon full of coconut oil (gives it such a wonderful RICH flavour) -- all this together should give you the NUTRITIOUS and low sugar superfoods drink that you need. I know you are saying there are no greens in the fridge, but I'm sure you can get your hands on something...ask around...lots of gardens have excess greens these days.
Other foods with loads of hidden sugar are:
Yogurt
Cow's Pasteurized Milk
Most Breads/Bread Products (if you hunt or make your own you can find no-sugar options)
The White Poisons (white flour, white potatoes, white rice)
Fruit Juices
Canned Soups
Grocery Store Pasta Sauces
Foods with artificial sweeteners (diet pops for example...just beware if it says SUGAR FREE that they haven't simply replaced sugar with aspartame, sucralose or saccharin)
Good sugar substitutes are stevia (whole leaf if possible) and xylitol (in small amounts...this natural sugar alcohol derived from birch trees is good for our teeth, but can be hard on some people's stomaches). Also, if you are caving in to the sugar cravings and MUST have sugar, get it from dates (as you were saying, at least they have some nutrition), figs or local honey.
The more you stick to animal protein (for us meat eaters), leafy greens, superfood smoothies-sans-sugar and tiny amounts of whole fruit and other veggies, you'll lose weight. Big time. AND your body will THRIVE. Your skin will glow, better sleeps, you'll have way more energy and you could experience less mood swings/more mental clarity. At least, this has definitely been true for me.
...to be continued...
Saturday, September 04, 2010
I'd Like 11:00 PM
To have toned arm muscles without having to do eleventy gillion arm exercises. OR without having to lose SO much weight that my head starts looking too small for my torso.
To attain enough money that I could buy my very own Web-Media-Everything Tutor. All to myself. (S)He could sleep in the closet when they weren't needed.
To feel like there was something useful I could do for places like Pakistan. I simply doubt that teaching them Improv Workshops or the Shim Sham or putting on a musical with the displaced persons would really help much.
To make some new, likeminded friends that I can actually SEE and TOUCH and FEEL and HEAR and SMELL. Virtual communities and friends are great and all, but I want someone who'll BRAID MY HAIR.
To buy everyone in the world a MacBook. Because I truly feel like then the world would be a better place.
To be even skinnier. (I realize this statement presents a psychological issue of mine that needs to be dealt with. I realize.)
To fall asleep and wake up to find a world that was just easier. Clearer. Brighter. Simpler.
To invent an on/off switch for our (meaning all women's) uteruses. Drug free switches. And we could just keep it in the off position until we were ready. And when we were ready, we could flip it to on AND IT WOULD ALWAYS WORK.
To give a speech at the Tonys. Or the Oscars. Or the Genies. Or the Doras. Or any award show that would make me feel instantly special and important.
To believe that giving that speech WOULD actually make me feel special and important.
To eat only food I grow, in a land like Ecuador, and spend my days consciously choosing peace, laughing with friends and wearing loose clothing made of hemp.
To live somewhere HOT. All the time. (No worries, I can always come to visit Mom if I need some freezing cold...)
To wake up and feel a sense of purpose. This, above all, I'd like.
This, above all, I'd love.
To attain enough money that I could buy my very own Web-Media-Everything Tutor. All to myself. (S)He could sleep in the closet when they weren't needed.
To feel like there was something useful I could do for places like Pakistan. I simply doubt that teaching them Improv Workshops or the Shim Sham or putting on a musical with the displaced persons would really help much.
To make some new, likeminded friends that I can actually SEE and TOUCH and FEEL and HEAR and SMELL. Virtual communities and friends are great and all, but I want someone who'll BRAID MY HAIR.
To buy everyone in the world a MacBook. Because I truly feel like then the world would be a better place.
To be even skinnier. (I realize this statement presents a psychological issue of mine that needs to be dealt with. I realize.)
To fall asleep and wake up to find a world that was just easier. Clearer. Brighter. Simpler.
To invent an on/off switch for our (meaning all women's) uteruses. Drug free switches. And we could just keep it in the off position until we were ready. And when we were ready, we could flip it to on AND IT WOULD ALWAYS WORK.
To give a speech at the Tonys. Or the Oscars. Or the Genies. Or the Doras. Or any award show that would make me feel instantly special and important.
To believe that giving that speech WOULD actually make me feel special and important.
To eat only food I grow, in a land like Ecuador, and spend my days consciously choosing peace, laughing with friends and wearing loose clothing made of hemp.
To live somewhere HOT. All the time. (No worries, I can always come to visit Mom if I need some freezing cold...)
To wake up and feel a sense of purpose. This, above all, I'd like.
This, above all, I'd love.
Friday, September 03, 2010
The Wanna Be Guru Answers Questions - Part 1 8:47 PM
Faraway Friend Wrote:
Wanna Be Guru Answered:
I am a huge fan of Dr. Mercola. I actually have friends that just got married and spent their honeymoon at his institute ... imagine that! Honeymoon spent doing colon irrigation and mediation. I love it=D
Well, the natural colon cleansing I just did would be a good place to start, except that it is heavy on the fruit and if you are battling candida (as I have and still do) lots of fruit might not be the answer. I did a 48 hour raw fruit & veggies with pysillium husk & copious amounts of water cleanse. It was gentle but effective -
Still, if you are trying to kick candida in the butt, I'd ask yourself if you think you might be brave enough to cut out sugar. Try doing the 15g or less of sugar a day philosophy and for the first while make fruit count in that 15g. If you also reduce your carbs to no more than 40g of carbs per meal as well as reducing the sugar, you will see pretty huge results. Now, candida is a BITCH to conquer, so you might even need to go deeper than this...
I am a fan of Angela and Matt Monarch - as kooky and hippy as they are - and she has had some of the best natural advice to battling candida out there...take a peek:
http://www.therawfoodworld.com/blog/index.php?page_id=1097#spot6
As for the kale chips - I should do a vlog post about it - there are a million recipe videos on youtube to follow. I finally settled on the KJ Version which is simply to grind up sunflower seeds, then mix in nutritional yeast and sea salt. That's my batter. Then I pull all the kale leaves off the stems, massage the leaves with olive oil until they are softer, sprinkle and massage in my 'batter' from above. Once all coated, I spread the kale leaves out on my wonderful, non-stick SiliconeZone baking sheet - http://www.kjkonkin.com/2010/08/kjs-life-experiment-episode-13-baking.html - and bake them for 30/40 minutes at about 200F.
I love answering these questions=D Makes me smile to see how far I've come. Three years ago, I would have been the LAST person on earth anyone would have asked health advice from...
Since you are the wanna be guru, I have some questions!
I went to a reflexologist. His name is Lawrence and he is amazing. He helped my sis balance her hormones once again, and, get this, he is blind, too. ANYWHO, he told me that I have something up with my colon/intestinal area. I am in the middle of switching my diet over and saw that you have cut down on sugar drastically. I am doing that now, along with other things, to help with my "candida build up". Do you recomend a good, natural colon cleanse to help the process along?
Also, how do I make these kale chips that you talked about? I have so much kale in my fridge, but not sure how to do it.
You are not alone, I too use:
a.coconut oil - LOVE IT
b.kale
c.dr.brooners soap
Check out dr.mercola.com - you would love this man's site. He is all about organic and has great advice.
Wanna Be Guru Answered:
I am a huge fan of Dr. Mercola. I actually have friends that just got married and spent their honeymoon at his institute ... imagine that! Honeymoon spent doing colon irrigation and mediation. I love it=D
Well, the natural colon cleansing I just did would be a good place to start, except that it is heavy on the fruit and if you are battling candida (as I have and still do) lots of fruit might not be the answer. I did a 48 hour raw fruit & veggies with pysillium husk & copious amounts of water cleanse. It was gentle but effective -
Still, if you are trying to kick candida in the butt, I'd ask yourself if you think you might be brave enough to cut out sugar. Try doing the 15g or less of sugar a day philosophy and for the first while make fruit count in that 15g. If you also reduce your carbs to no more than 40g of carbs per meal as well as reducing the sugar, you will see pretty huge results. Now, candida is a BITCH to conquer, so you might even need to go deeper than this...
I am a fan of Angela and Matt Monarch - as kooky and hippy as they are - and she has had some of the best natural advice to battling candida out there...take a peek:
http://www.therawfoodworld.com/blog/index.php?page_id=1097#spot6
As for the kale chips - I should do a vlog post about it - there are a million recipe videos on youtube to follow. I finally settled on the KJ Version which is simply to grind up sunflower seeds, then mix in nutritional yeast and sea salt. That's my batter. Then I pull all the kale leaves off the stems, massage the leaves with olive oil until they are softer, sprinkle and massage in my 'batter' from above. Once all coated, I spread the kale leaves out on my wonderful, non-stick SiliconeZone baking sheet - http://www.kjkonkin.com/2010/08/kjs-life-experiment-episode-13-baking.html - and bake them for 30/40 minutes at about 200F.
I love answering these questions=D Makes me smile to see how far I've come. Three years ago, I would have been the LAST person on earth anyone would have asked health advice from...
Thursday, September 02, 2010
KJ's Life Experiment - Episode #18 - KJ's Super Great Kale Chip Recipe 5:43 PM
I've altered the zillion kale chip recipes out there to find MY favourite combo. Here's what I add:
APPROX.
1 cup ground sunflower seeds
1/2 cup nutritional yeast
2 tsp of sea salt
Really, just play with these amounts to taste.
To go to the episode about my wonderful SiliconeZone baking sheet visit:
http://www.kjkonkin.com/2010/08/kjs-life-experiment-episode-13-baking.html
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I'm Done!!!!!!!!!! 11:21 PM
Totally.
Seriously.
Completely.
DONE.
My Artist In Residency Is Over.
I'd tell you how I feel but it hasn't sunk in yet. I'll blog about it when it really hits. Until then, I will invite you once again to join us at our Farewell Party Potluck on Sunday September 12th from 5-7pm at the Mortlach Hall. Leon and I will probably sing and there will be a presentation of the video montage I am in the process of tweaking as we speak. And the montage is good, if I do say so myself. The first time I watched my creation straight though, with Leon at my side, we both teared up big time.
Because, I mean, it was a HUGE year of my life.
For Fun -- the top six things I'll miss about Mortlach:
1. The intense peace and quiet I had that enabled me to make such a radical health shift
2. Walking everywhere in the middle of the road
3. Getting paid so well=D
4. The feeling that I was making a contribution to a cause that was greater than just stockpiling my resume
5. All the wonderful people that I will forever hold in my heart
6. The train going by - constantly
The things I won't miss?
1. Not having a bank machine or gas station in town
2. Some of the not-so-nice small town politics
3. The winter. Period.
4. Having to stalk people to convince them to show up at arts events
5. Feeling so TOTALLY odd and out of place...or maybe I WILL miss that...haven't decided=D
6. The lack of water pressure @ the Manse
A quote from my final report (finished tonight!) in regards to ways that the residency benefited me as an artist:
It's incredible to me that I have actually arrived at the end. I've thought about this moment so many times before and now it is here. Part of me is scared to go back out into the big, bold world. That is what happens when you live in a bubble, I guess. Part of me forgets who I was before this. Part of me knew I would have to lose this particular blessing to really understand how good I had it.
And now, unemployment.
At least for awhile.
We've made good money here, but now it's time to spend it. To go off and do risky, BIG things. That is the life I usually live and it's time to get back to my reality.
And what is my reality? What does my future hold?
---
---
I have absolutely no idea.
Seriously.
Completely.
DONE.
My Artist In Residency Is Over.
I'd tell you how I feel but it hasn't sunk in yet. I'll blog about it when it really hits. Until then, I will invite you once again to join us at our Farewell Party Potluck on Sunday September 12th from 5-7pm at the Mortlach Hall. Leon and I will probably sing and there will be a presentation of the video montage I am in the process of tweaking as we speak. And the montage is good, if I do say so myself. The first time I watched my creation straight though, with Leon at my side, we both teared up big time.
Because, I mean, it was a HUGE year of my life.
For Fun -- the top six things I'll miss about Mortlach:
1. The intense peace and quiet I had that enabled me to make such a radical health shift
2. Walking everywhere in the middle of the road
3. Getting paid so well=D
4. The feeling that I was making a contribution to a cause that was greater than just stockpiling my resume
5. All the wonderful people that I will forever hold in my heart
6. The train going by - constantly
The things I won't miss?
1. Not having a bank machine or gas station in town
2. Some of the not-so-nice small town politics
3. The winter. Period.
4. Having to stalk people to convince them to show up at arts events
5. Feeling so TOTALLY odd and out of place...or maybe I WILL miss that...haven't decided=D
6. The lack of water pressure @ the Manse
A quote from my final report (finished tonight!) in regards to ways that the residency benefited me as an artist:
Most importantly, the chance to write more, to dream more, to direct more, to teach performing arts and to surround myself in the Saskatchewan theatre community, all reignited my passion for theatre, song and dance. In the professional world, it is easy to get caught up in the competitive business of it all, losing any memory of why one chose to do theatre in the first place. This was true for me, prior to this residency. But to move somewhere where the arts are often overlooked, and almost never a priority (even though they have such an obviously positive effect on EVERYBODY) was enough to get the loyalty fires burning once again on behalf of the performing arts. To "sell" Mortlachians on why theatre is so vital to the fabric of a prosperous community was to "sell" myself once again on the real reason I do theatre. Theatre takes a world afraid to 'make a scene' and inspires them to Live Out Loud. Remembering this was the greatest gift of all.
It's incredible to me that I have actually arrived at the end. I've thought about this moment so many times before and now it is here. Part of me is scared to go back out into the big, bold world. That is what happens when you live in a bubble, I guess. Part of me forgets who I was before this. Part of me knew I would have to lose this particular blessing to really understand how good I had it.
And now, unemployment.
At least for awhile.
We've made good money here, but now it's time to spend it. To go off and do risky, BIG things. That is the life I usually live and it's time to get back to my reality.
And what is my reality? What does my future hold?
---
---
I have absolutely no idea.
